Yosemite to Be Renamed “Fuck You National Park”

Henceforth, you shall be known as Fuck You National Park. (image by Palpatine)
Henceforth, you shall be known as Fuck You National Park.
(image by Palpatine)

Name Changes to Go Into Effect Next Week

(Yosemite Valley, Calif., February 22, 2016)

Park officials confirmed this week that Yosemite National Park, one of the world’s foremost natural treasures; site of thousands of waterfalls and over 800 miles of trails; and vacation destination of almost 4 million annual visitors; will be renamed “Fuck You National Park” on March 1st of this year, capping months of press releases detailing an unfathomable level of corporate dick-headery that would makem even Chief Tenaya himself rise from the ashes of his spirit dream to shed one last tear in the canyon bearing his name.

You makem big fat "fuck you" to native people. Not that you hadn't already, in spectacular fashion. (image by Chief Tenaya)
Now you makem big fat “fuck you” to all people, not just native people.
(gripe by Chief Tenaya)

In addition to the park name change, many of the park’s iconic features will also be renamed. Henceforth, the Badger Pass Ski Area, the park’s only, shall be known as “Darth Go Fuck Yourself Glorified Bunny Hill”. The 140-year-old Wawona Hotel, a rustic lodge for park visitors dating back to 1876, the United States’ first centennial for god’s sake, will be re-branded as “Ha Ha Ha Kiss Our Asses You Sucka-Ass Fools Sleepatorium”. The Yosemite Lodge at the Falls will adopt its new moniker, “The Say My Name, Bitch Lodge”. The Merced River, proud aorta of Yosemite Valley, will become “Martin Shkreli Creek”; and the Tuolumne River, lifeblood of the park’s northern canyons, will be known forevermore as the “Bend You Over Just Because We Can River.” The new name of Tioga Pass will be “Please Sir May I Have Another Gap.”

The soon-to-be renamed Wawona Hotel, near the park's south entrance. (image by Wikimedia Commons)
The soon-to-be renamed Wawona Hotel, near the park’s south entrance.
(image by Wikimedia Commons)

The move is the result of an effort by the Delaware North Corporation, former administrator of the park’s low-ass-quality concessionary services- a post the company has held for the past twenty years, providing the park’s lodging, retail and food services at inflated prices and with virtually no QA oversite, to strong-arm the National Park Service into lining up, as so many others have been made to do before, to beg for the very privilege of suckling at the dry teat of corporate assery.

I mean, have you had that pizza at Curry Village?

Oops, I’m sorry. I meant “Suck It Village”. I’m still adjusting.

 

 

Find a City, Find a Different City to Live In

Seek ye the ancient Minotaur at your own peril. (image by www.jmg-galleries.com)
Seek ye the ancient Minotaur at your own peril.
(image by www.jmg-galleries.com)

You know how I’m always complaining about the slow decline of San Francisco as a world-class cultural Mecca?  Well here’s a perfect example of how the douches continue to chip away at those things that make this town interesting and special:

Story here:

http://www.sfgate.com/bayarea/article/Lands-End-labyrinth-erased-by-vandals-6453504.php

The vigil will not be televised. (image by sanfranpsycho.com)
The vigil will not be televised.
(image by sanfranpsycho.com)

Addicted to Turf: A New Englander’s Final Salute to Candlestick Park

Candlestick Park on a baseball game day. (image property of daviddhovey.com)
Candlestick Park on a baseball game day.
(image property of daviddhovey.com)

Everyone knows that Dream Candlestick is dead at last, right?  You did get the memo, yes?

Earlier this week, I threw the Peanut in the car and headed down to walk the outer perimeter of Candlestick Point and check in on the ongoing demolition of its namesake park.

Root Root Root. (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
Root Root Root.
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

Truth be told, San Francisco’s historic Candlestick Park, once proud home to both the Giants and the 49ers, as well as the site of countless storied concerts over the years, has been dying a mercilessly slow death for the past 25 years.

Baseball: World Series: Overall view of Candlestick Park as players and fans evacuate stadium after Loma Prieta earthquake before Game 3 between San Francisco Giants and Oakland Athletics. San Francisco, CA 10/17/1989 CREDIT: Richard Mackson (Photo by Richard Mackson /Sports Illustrated/Getty Images) (Set Number: X39014 TK1 R9 F15 )
Players and fans assembled for Game 3 of the 1989 World Series between the San Francisco Giants and Oakland Athletics evacuate Candlestick Park after the Loma Prieta earthquake.
(photo by Richard Mackson /Sports Illustrated/Getty Images)

The first major blow came on October 17, 1989, when the Loma Prieta Earthquake, a 6.9 oblique slip-fault rupture  which radially dispersed an extensive wave of catastrophic damage- carnage structural, geological, and human- across the San Francisco Bay Area and much of California’s Central Coast region, interrupted Game 3 of the World Series, so far baseball ‘s only ever so-called “Bay Bridge Series“, between the San Francisco Giants and the Oakland Athletics, sending fans ducking and running for cover as the earth shook the stadium recklessly, like a snow-globe with a busted synapse or three.

And meanwhile, across town, this was happening, as god punished San Francisco for its sin of being a safe place for all people, however fringe their lifestyle. (photo by Michael K. Nichols)
And meanwhile, across town, this was happening, as God punished San Francisco for its sin of being a safe haven for all people, however unconventional their lifestyles.
(photo by Michael K. Nichols)

Then, on Halloween 1996, two years after Candlestick Park had been awarded 1999’s Super Bowl XXXIII, the game was pulled and re-awarded to Miami, out of concerns that insufficient retrofitting had been done to secure the park in the wake of Loma Prieta.  So that was another big blow for the ‘Stick.

AT&T Park, the new home of the San Francisco Giants, the Rolling Stones, and big-wig corporate dotcom shit-heads who care more about nothing than they do about baseball. (photo by blog.tiqiq.com)
AT&T Park, the new home of the San Francisco Giants, the Rolling Stones, and big-wig corporate dotcom shit-heads who care less about nothing than they do about baseball.
(photo by blog.tiqiq.com)

Then, for the 2000 baseball season,  the Giants abandoned the Candlestick for the newer, swankier pastures of world-class Pacific Bell Park (now AT&T Park), a brand-spanking new, properly-retrofitted, fully-modern, cutting-edge ballpark, located conveniently within walking distance of downtown San Francisco (as opposed to Candlestick Park, which, in addition to sitting on the outer fringes of the city limits, situated squarely in the heart of the city’s poorest and most crime-ridden district, was never in its entire existence adequately served by any public transportation worthy of mention).

Candlestick Park is dimly lit during a power outage before an NFL football game between the San Francisco 49ers and the Pittsburgh Steelers in San Francisco, Monday, Dec. 19, 2011.  (AP Photo/Jeff Chiu)
Candlestick Park is dimly lit during a power outage before an NFL football game between the San Francisco 49ers and the Pittsburgh Steelers in San Francisco, Monday, Dec. 19, 2011.
(AP Photo/Jeff Chiu)

The final blow to Candlestick Park’s long life as one of San Francisco’s most beloved and venerable institutions was cast on Monday, December 23, 2013, when the 49ers triumphed over the Atlanta Falcons, winning 34–24 to secure themselves a playoff berth, bringing closure to a storied 53-year era.

After the 2013 season, the 49ers would sell out, moving forty miles south to Santa Clara, to live as puffed-up, hollow big-shots in the monstrous, sterile, bloated, and hilariously over-priced and over-hyped Levi’s Stadium.  Though in all fairness, it must be acknowledged that San Francisco, the city, choked pretty hard, pig-headedly attempting to call the bluff on the 49ers organization’s repeated threats to relocate to another city if a proper stadium was not constructed to house the team, only to find out that they weren’t bluffing after all.

The all new, soul-less home of the 49ers, Levi's Stadium.  Phhbbbtt (photo property of www.49ers.com)
The all new, soul-less home of the 49ers, Levi’s Stadium. Phhbbbtt
(photo property of www.49ers.com)

And that was the end of Candlestick Park’s life as a sporting institution; but just as a body does not disintegrate into nothingness at the precise moment of death, the corpse of Candlestick Park endured, a withering and decrepit structure that had almost run out of stories to tell.

But there was one more story for Candlestick Park.  On August 14, 2014, in a most fitting end for the stadium, Paul McCartney played an epic 3-hour concert, here in the very same venue where the Beatles had performed their legendary official final concert, 48 years earlier, on August 29, 1966.

I'm Sir Paul McCartney, and I could get up on stage and fart into a mike for three hours and you'd still love it. (photo by www.rollingstone.com)
I’m Sir Paul McCartney, and I could get up on stage and fart into a mike for three hours and you’d still love it.
(photo by www.rollingstone.com)

So that was it for the ‘Stick.  The demolition commenced in November 2014, when they started tearing the seats out and selling them off to fans eager to own a piece of history; and in March of 2015, the demolition became visible to those outside the park, as the wrecking ball was finally brought to bear on the outer walls.  There ain’t no coming back from that shit.

Remember that old video game Rampage? (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
Remember that old video game Rampage? Yeah, me too-
I always liked the Lizard guy the best.
Never cared for the Wolf.
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

The rapid decomposition of the carcass had begun at long last; and soon all that will be left of Candlestick Park will be the phantoms of memories, the fading roar of ghost-crowds, and the echoes of wooden bats cracking and splitting, radiating out across San Francisco Bay, in memory of what was.

Anybody need any used stadium lighting dirt cheap?   'Cause I've got a guy. (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
Anybody need any used stadium lighting dirt cheap?
‘Cause I’ve got a guy.
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

I love San Francisco.  I love it; and I have for the past 18 years.  And I hold myself to be a fan of both the Giants and the 49ers.

That said, as much as I love and cherish everything San Francisco, the sports teams that really get my blood pumping will always be the Boston Red Sox and the New England Patriots, because that just simply cannot be taken out of a true Bostonian.

No matter what they build or tear down out here in California.

San Francisco, with Bayview-Hunters Point in the middleground, and Candlestick Park at the bottom of the frame. (photo by Wikimedia Commons)
San Francisco, with Bayview-Hunters Point in the middleground, and Candlestick Park at the bottom of the frame.
(photo by Wikimedia Commons)

 

 

The First Rule of the Drought is That You Don’t Talk About the Drought

Read this well-written article about the California water crisis.

Lake Oroville, July 2011 (image by www.dailymail.co.uk)
Lake Oroville, July 2011
(image by www.dailymail.co.uk)

 

Lake Oroville, January 2014 (image by www.dailymail.co.uk)
Lake Oroville, January 2014
(image by www.dailymail.co.uk)

 

Or…just sing with me:

Mary had a little lamb!!!

 

My Dog is Not in Anybody’s Way

Cut the shit.

I’m tired of people just rounding all dogs down to “public nuisance”, as if it’s somehow reasonable and equitable to paint them all with the same brush.

There's enough beach to go around.  Let the dogs run wild. (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
Back off, establishment. You’re out of your element.
There’s plenty of beach to go around; so let the dogs run wild.
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

As it is, our hounds are for all intents and purposes banned from National Parks across the board (only allowed on paved trails, or tied up in campgrounds- woo-hoo!!).  So can’t we just throw them this bone?

Who will give good sport to these seabirds? (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
Who will give good sport to these restless seabirds?
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

The battle rages on. See here for the latest on the dogs vs assholes battle for the Golden Gate National Recreation Area.

Look- there’s a lot of land out there (even here in San Francisco); so let them run wild. We’ll pick up the dog shit.

Whatever, dude.  Chill out. (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
Yeah, so?
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

March is the New May: Springtime in Yosemite

 

The Mist Trail, one of the world's most bestest day hikes, boasts a couple of the most super-awesomest waterfalls (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
The Mist Trail, one of the world’s most bestest day hikes, boasts a couple of the most super-awesomest waterfalls
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

So I took me a little trip out to Yosemite last weekend with my friend Ian, so he could get a last look at the place before he puts it out of reach by moving away to Portland later this spring.

Vernal Fall  acts as if it's Memorial Day Weekend, when really it's only the end of March. (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
Vernal Fall, in as much denial as most of the state’s citizenry, acts like it’s Memorial Day Weekend, when really it’s only the end of March.
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

And I’ll tell you, despite the statewide catastrophic drought chapping every corner of California, the waterfalls are in full swing up there in the high sierra, if only for a short time.

An early spring- what a gift!

Apparently, Nevada Fall didn't get the memo either. (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
Apparently, Nevada Fall didn’t get the memo either.
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

But more than anything else, what this early peaking of the waterfalls portends is that a pretty dry summer in the high-country is in the offing.

Nary a snowflake to speak of. (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
Nary a snowflake to speak of.
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

Sure, the Mist Trail is all jammed up with day-hikers soaking up the sprinkles and slipping their way up the stone stairs; but the smart money says that the sun will set on this party long before the folks stop dancing on top of the waterfalls.

This crystal-clear pool of pure sierra melt-water sits fifty yards upstream from the lip of Nevada Falls, beckoning the weary to slip on in for a quick dip.   You go first. G'head. (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
This crystal-clear pool of pure sierra melt-water sits fifty yards upstream from the lip of Nevada Falls, beckoning the weary to slip on in for a quick dip. You go first.
G’head.
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

But this being what it is, let it be said here and now that Yosemite’s waterworks are currently in their full spring swing; and the park’s air temperatures are just about at levels that make you want to pounce in the water.

IMG_5866
Illouette Creek rushes beneath the Panorama Trail footbridge…
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)
...and over the lip of Illouette Falls. (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
…and over the lip of Illouette Falls.
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

Of course, as always, the water temperatures will likely make you think better of the idea.

A pair of homeless drunkard winos stumbles through the snows of the Mariposa Grove. (photo by some random dude)
A pair of homeless drunkard winos stumbles through the relentlessly driving snows of Yosemite’s Mariposa Grove of Giant Sequoias, ducking and dodging The Man, and seeking to evade any and all decent folk.
(photo by some random dude)

But after all, that is just Yosemite’s version of air/water equilibrium, and so far that has not changed.   Yet.

The party's on in Yosemite Valley.  That's Yosemite Falls in the background there. (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
The party’s on in Yosemite Valley. That’s Yosemite Falls there in the background.
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

So it’s kind of now or never, folks.  For this year, anyway.



All We Do is Fuck Up the World

Somebody please just pull the plug on mankind.  And start with this country.

Read about the latest Grand Canyon “Development” Bullshit

Toroweap Point, Arizona (image property of UniversalImagesGroup, Getty Images)
Toroweap Point, Grand Canyon National Monument, AZ
(image property of UniversalImagesGroup, Getty Images)

This can’t go on any longer.  Stop the madness.

 

Crazy Shades of Winter

I eat breakfast for energy!(photo by K. Riley)
I eat breakfast for energy!
(photo by K. Riley)

Winter means different things in different cities.

Boston:

Do you have any idea what the street value of this street is? (photo by BostonHerald.com)
Do you have any idea what the street value of this street is?
(photo by BostonHerald.com)

San Francisco:

It's gonna be cold, cold, cold, cold, cold. (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
It’s gonna be cold, cold, cold, cold, cold.
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

Winter means different things in different states.

Massachusetts:

100 feet above sea level. (photo by Dave Speredelozzi)
100 feet above sea level.
(photo by Dave Speredelozzi)

California:

6,000 feet above sea level. (photo by Deek Speredelozzi)
6,000 feet above sea level.
(photo by Deek Speredelozzi)

Winter means different things to different people.

Noah:


 

 Deek: