Name Changes to Go Into Effect Next Week
(Yosemite Valley, Calif., February 22, 2016)
Park officials confirmed this week that Yosemite National Park, one of the world’s foremost natural treasures; site of thousands of waterfalls and over 800 miles of trails; and vacation destination of almost 4 million annual visitors; will be renamed “Fuck You National Park” on March 1st of this year, capping months of press releases detailing an unfathomable level of corporate dick-headery that would makem even Chief Tenaya himself rise from the ashes of his spirit dream to shed one last tear in the canyon bearing his name.
In addition to the park name change, many of the park’s iconic features will also be renamed. Henceforth, the Badger Pass Ski Area, the park’s only, shall be known as “Darth Go Fuck Yourself Glorified Bunny Hill”. The 140-year-old Wawona Hotel, a rustic lodge for park visitors dating back to 1876, the United States’ first centennial for god’s sake, will be re-branded as “Ha Ha Ha Kiss Our Asses You Sucka-Ass Fools Sleepatorium”. The Yosemite Lodge at the Falls will adopt its new moniker, “The Say My Name, Bitch Lodge”. The Merced River, proud aorta of Yosemite Valley, will become “Martin Shkreli Creek”; and the Tuolumne River, lifeblood of the park’s northern canyons, will be known forevermore as the “Bend You Over Just Because We Can River.” The new name of Tioga Pass will be “Please Sir May I Have Another Gap.”
The move is the result of an effort by the Delaware North Corporation, former administrator of the park’s low-ass-quality concessionary services- a post the company has held for the past twenty years, providing the park’s lodging, retail and food services at inflated prices and with virtually no QA oversite, to strong-arm the National Park Service into lining up, as so many others have been made to do before, to beg for the very privilege of suckling at the dry teat of corporate assery.
I mean, have you had that pizza at Curry Village?
Oops, I’m sorry. I meant “Suck It Village”. I’m still adjusting.