I Swear There Was an Octopus

It only took eighteen years of living in Northern California for me to finally get around to visiting the Monterey Bay Aquarium.  Yeah, it’s true.

But I finally went for it last weekend.  My best girl and me- we was down there anyway for a show, y’see.

Colors like this can't really occur in nature. (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
Everybody knows that colors like this don’t really occur in nature. 
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

As aquariums go, the place is pretty cool, though as a social experiment, place be bein’ an utter catastrophe.

Get the sponge salad- it's delicious.  You've got your ball of corn, your scoop of chocolate chip Play-Do, your tree of sparkling fish eyes, your condom full of feta cheese, and your shriveled leaf garnish. Man, now that be some good eatin! (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
Get the sponge salad- it’s delicious. You’ve got your ball of corn, your scoop of chocolate chip Play-Doh, your tree of sparkling fish eyes, your condom full of feta cheese, and your shriveled leaf garnish.  It’s all in there.  It’s a regular Ragu of the sea. Man, now that be some good eatin!
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

As you step across the threshold into the Monterey Bay Aquarium, cast off any expectation of personal space.

IMG_6187

(photos by D. Speredelozzi)
Oh yes, and how could I forget the jellyfish salad? Stings a bit going down; but at the other end you get to shoot fireworks out of your ass.
(photos by D. Speredelozzi)

The place was like the New York Stock Exchange just before a major IPO, or a West African border crossing on the day of a coup (regime change!), or a North Carolina supermarket on the day before a major hurricane makes landfall.  Chaos, I tell you. Sheer chaos.

Look at these fish- the world is their oyster. Oh wait, I mean their world is the size of an oyster.  My bad. (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
Look at these fish- the world is their oyster.
Oh wait, I mean their world is the size of an oyster. My bad.
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

But the array of ocean life on display at the aquarium is impressive, particularly the jellyfish area. Who knew there were so many different types of jellyfish?  They even had these tiny little near-microscopic jobbies that were so cute you wanted them all to just swim up your nose and bite your brain right off!

In his  steely resolve to avoid the soul-sucking penetrations of my digital camera, this guy ducked, dodged and squirmed like a champ.  You get less resistance trying to administer nose drops to your dog. But hey yo?  Who's in charge now? Woot! Woot! (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
In his steely resolve to avoid the soul-sucking penetrations of my digital camera, this guy ducked, dodged and squirmed like a champ. You’d get less resistance trying to administer nose drops to a dog.
But hey, yo- who’s in charge now?
Yeah you goddamn right.
Woot! Woot!
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

I’ll tell you right now, though, the place is kinda short on large sea-dwellers.  No big sharks, no whales, no giant squids- though admittedly these creatures would be a challenge to house properly without doubling the size of the joint.

Nemo be all like: "Hey you, Deek, if I keep moving and refuse to let you get a non-blurry photo of me, you won't be able to post about me on your blog." Yeah well suck it, Nemo. (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
Nemo be all like: “Hey you, Deek, if I keep moving and refuse to let you get a non-blurry photo of me, you won’t be able to post about me on your blog.”
Yeah well suck it, Nemo.
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

The largest thing we saw was an octopus, waving its suction-equipped tentacles at the crowd- or was it a crowd of exceedingly rude human beings, waving their tentacles at an octopus?  Actually, that rings more of a bell.

The only way I could really get a look at the damn thing was by pointing my eyes at the screen of any one of the thirty or so camera phones held up in front of my face at any given moment, waving like tentacles of disrespectful sea kelp, obstructing my actual view of the thing, and utterly disrespecting the ubiquitous “Please- no flash photography” signs posted every five feet around the perimeter.  I love humanity.

Dude! Dude! Dude! The sign said: "Do not flush!! You idiot!!" (photo by D. Speredelozzi)
Dude! Dude! Dude!
The sign clearly said: “Do not flush!!  You idiot!!”
(photo by D. Speredelozzi)

Which is why you’re just gonna have to take my word for it that there was an octopus.

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